Resolve

For those of you who haven't been informed of the current debacle in my life, read the post I wrote previous to this.

For those of you who are well acquainted with my current employment status & whatnot, concerning my ministry here in Thailand, I'll give you a brief update as to the progression on my end over here—brief not by choice, really, but because there really isn't a lot for me to share since I myself hardly know anything that's going on.

I got back from a trip to Indonesia yesterday. It was an excellent trip & it opened my eyes all the more to the vast variation that exists in our world. Indonesia truly is a developing country, for as we drove past the outskirts of Jakarta, the infrastructure & practically all of the modern amenities slowly began to fall off, much like the capital city's urban glow... All this to say that before I had left Thailand on this vacation, I was given the impression that my future at GES was being hammered out. However, after inquiring as to the progress of getting a hammered-out job description, I was told that now everything is again up in the air. Apparently, I may not even have a librarian position available to me anymore. Also, apparently, I might be given a class to teach, but none of this is for certain and none of the administration was willing to comment any further as to what may potentially become of me. Aaron promised to light a fire under the situation's bottom while I was in Indonesia and... that had little effect. I talked to Aaron earlier today, and he said that he still has no idea as to what might become of me. He expressed his wish that this had all been figured out months ago, and through all of this, I could tell he was a mite frustrated with the whole ordeal. Michelle, Aaron's half-time replacement for the upcoming year promised that she would make it her priority to see this issue figured out before the 12, my official "pack up and go" day.

All through this, I've been tossed, torn, beat up & discouraged. At the beginning of this calendar year, I was certain that God was calling me to come back for another year, but after all of this nuclear fallout I was left not radioactive, but unclear as to what I had understood. Did I really hear God's voice correctly? Was he closing doors for me now to tell me to go back to Canada? Was all of this confusion & miscommunication / lack of communication a full-out spiritual assault, bent on trying to compromise what may potentially have happened in the upcoming year? I had no clue. All I knew was that I felt helpless, clueless, confused, spiritually discouraged & emotionally drained. I didn't know how much more I could take of the uncertainty—whether I should pack all of my things, or whether I should act as though I were returning. I mean, my plane takes off in seven days!

I talked to one of my fellow teachers about it, expressing that I felt absolutely torn between seeing this huge potential for effective ministry to my students next year, but seeing also this huge barricade of what appears to me as an unsupporting administrative body. I didn't know. I've been suffering through this ordeal for four weeks now, feeling like I've been strapped into an emotional rollercoaster, sitting in front of a kid who's got one of those rubber mole-bashing mallets who just so happens to think that my cranium is a blind, burrowing mammal. The thoughy of such treatment perpetuating for another ten months made me want to break down and cry. But what do you do? Do you tuck your tail & run home to momma because the going's getting tough, or do you realise that you're kicking against the goads which are coaxing you to return to your homeland for further ministry potential there? I had no clue, and when my fellow teacher asked me what I thought I was going to do, I said just that. Oh, and that I needed to seriously pray about it—long and hard.

And that's exactly what I did.


I don't think that I've felt this desperate, this confused or in this much need of God in a long time. To be honest, I've felt rather self-sufficient for a good while & my prayers, though speaking of wanting God with all I am/have, might have been proclaiming a bit more than my actions and my honest, real thoughts were living. Today, though, I must admit, there was no disparity between my words and my heart.

I lay on the floor of my bedroom for two hours, desperate to hear God's voice and to seek His direction in what little time I have left in this country before going home. I had been talking to him & talking and talking, and wondering and thinking and proposing things to Him... until I decided to stop & to listen. "I don't know God. I really don't know what you want or where you're taking me. I can't figure this out, and I need you to speak to me. What should I do? I dunno... I guess I should probably start by listening." Then I listened. I listened, and for the first time in two or three years, I heard God speaking directly to me again. His unmistakeable, wholly recognisable voice—a mind-whisper that seems like an internal monologue, but is distinctly other (and, no, it's not a schizophrenic episode. This ain't no hallucination, baby) in its origin. Testable according to 1 John 4; a voice that passes the test with flying colours (there are often some thoughts which do not). A conversation arose, and these are the morsels that I was left with (if you think I'm mentally unstable, then that is your prerogative. I just respond to how God approaches me: nothing can convince me otherwise):


"It is through the stretching and the moulding when I work on you that you will see me."

"It is going to be a hard year: you are going to sweat and shed many tears, but I will be with you."

"Don't worry about all those things. Let me do that. All I ask is that you follow me. Trust me, and I will make you a fisher of men."

"Do you have anything else that you want to say to me?" I asked.

He replied: "Cast all your cares upon me for I care for you. Do not let your heart be troubled: trust in God; trust also in Me. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart until the day of Jesus. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to carry it out to completion. Take my yoke upon you, for my yoke is easy and my burden is light. I will be with you. Humble yourself before the lord and he will lift you up."*

When asking about whether I should stay another year, in light of these recent events unfolding, He said, "If you have enough faith to believe that I will carry you through this, then yes."

I listed off some objections, or some possible sour outcomes, but He repeated to me what He said, "If you have enough faith to believe that I will carry you through this, then yes."


I can't believe that I'm doing this. I'm sitting here with a huge grin on my face, totally aware that this could potentially be one of the most difficult years of my life—in some ways—and all I can do is sit here giggling like a schoolgirl, half-questioning my sanity, filled with joy and all the while praying, "Lord, what the heck are we getting ourselves into?"

I guess we'll find out.



*For the majority of our conversations, God seems to speak to me through the use of scriptural excerpts. This I like, since I feel like there's then a second fall-back, as the Word of God is the Word of God. Nonetheless, it is still important to test the spirits, as Satan quoted scripture to Christ Himself in the desert. These are the related passages that were spoken to me while talking to God above: 1 peter 5:7; John 14:1,27; Phillipians 4:6,7; Phillipians 1:6; Matthew 11:29,30; Matthew 28:20; James 4:10.