euthanAsia

There us a dog who lives in a cage right next to my house. Usually, I ignore the beautiful golden retriever, as it lies there, lifelessly bored out of its skull--I have never once seen its owner take the animal out of it's tiny living quarters (nor do I know who owns the creature, for that matter. Sometimes, if the retriever's up on its feet or looking in my direction, I make friendly woofing noises, letting it know that I notice it & that I recognise it. I don't really know if the dog cares or not, but it makes me feel like I'm at least somewhat engaging the poor creature.

Today, I came home, and after a particularly depressing weekend, I decided to go say 'hi' to the dog in a bit of a more personal way. Man, was this dog ever glad to see me. He sprang up from his catatonic stupour and started sniffing and pacing and panting, being all excited-like with his wagging tail--even jumping up against its fence to try and get closer to me. Then he started whining. I knew that he wanted to get out and have some fun with me, but there was no way for me to release the dog. After a good minute of the dog's excitement of human interaction, he seemed to calm down, sit by the fence and just pant gleefully, knowing that there was someone there watching him and being right next to him.

I was saddened that I had to leave. I went inside my house to grab my school keys & get some of my belongings that were locked in a room. When I hopped back outside to go & get these things, I looked at the dog in his prison: back to the catatonic stupour, yet this time it almost appeared that the dog was even more depressed.

I immediately had an overwhelming sense of compassion for the dog. Here he was, trapped & isolated in a cage that he didn't want to be in. He desperately wanted to get out, to have fun & to be with people. Then, when someone comes along & pays him a bit of attention, his hoped get raised to the point of ecstasy--someone noticed him! Someone wanted to be with him! Someone wanted to pet him & be his friend! But it was all for naught. The would-be friend quickly abandoned the poor dog and walked away, having better things to do that evening.

I bet that if I had got in that dog's head, it may very well have thought: "Why did you even bother coming over here at all? All you've done now is made me just that much more aware of my wretched prison."

* * * * *

This weekend, I had the "pleasure" of going on a PD day retreat with my fellow staff members. It was meant to be a spiritual retreat--a time where were were supposed to get reconnected with God & to build relationships with eachother. The intention was to encourage and strengthen us as individuals & as a "team."

All it did was make me all the more aware of how trapped I feel.

I was for 36 hours exposed to an opportunity where I could hang out with people, where I had no obligations toward school, marking, lesson planning, students or anyone else. I had a taste of freedom. It was delicious.

I was given the opportunity to have time to spend with God--something that my superiors wanted me to take advantage of. I was amazed.


We were asked to share words of encouragement about each other at one of our sessions. A lot of words were said, and all of them with good intentions. The only things that got said about me were that I was a good worker, that I strove for excellence and that I seem to accomplish what to others would be an impossible task. I was told that people wished they could be as diligent as me; I was told that people respected my efforts.

Now, don't get me wrong. I appreciate their words. I know that they were doing their best to encourage me. However, I wasn't encouraged. I do not define myself by what I do or by how much I accomplish. Work is work: it's a necessary evil of life. Granted, I live my life by the motto: "Whatever you do, do it with all your heart, working as if unto the Lord," but I don't desire to be defined by my workingness.

Later that night, we as a staff were all gathered together to hang out on the beach where we were staying with the intention of getting to know each other better. I sat down by one group of teachers, and half of them got up & left, because the sand was too dirty there (granted, it was rather gross). Those who remained didn't bother to acknowledge me, but instead, started to talk in whispered voiced. Another teacher came and sat down nearby me, but didn't say a word. I think he was in a contemplative non-talking mood. Myself, tired of being ignored, decided to try the other side of the group, hoping that there would be more of an interaction over there.

Walking around the highly-engaged group of people, busily chatting with each other, I was certain that when I sat down I'd be able to squeeze into a conversation or two. I think, though, that I must have some sort of social disease, because as soon as I sat down, the conversation that was going on tapered off to silence within the next minute. Those who were talking slowly turned themselves inward, engaging me with naught but their backs.

I think that my co-workers think I'm a workaholic. The sad thing is that I would much rather be hanging out. All they know of me is that I sit in my classroom, slaving away so that I don't drown in schoolwork & so that my students don't end up being grossly under-schooled. I think that they've defined me by this presentation of who I am. What they don't know is that it kills me a little bit each time that I have to say "no" to hanging out with people in light of my insurmountable responsibility. But, why bother trying to form new relationships when the people that you always hang out with are right beside you on this beach, right? It's much easier to talk with someone that you know and much easier to build a relationship once it's already founded. Of course I was left on the outside. And it made me feel like crap.

What was the point of going to a group hang-out session if no one wants to hang out with you? Why bother trying to build relationships if you're already on the "don't bother" list? How do you engage people if they make you feel unclean?


I hate my cage. Part of me wishes that I had never gone on that stupid "retreat"; all it's done has been to make me all the more aware of my current situation. It's better to never have been made aware of what was on the outside if you never can take part in it. Leave me to rot here until my penance is up, if all you give me is hollow shimmers of something greater. At least then I won't have to think of what I'm missing.